I’VE GOT AN ITCH

I’ve got an itch, a wretched itch,

No other itch could match it,

It itches in the one spot which

I cannot reach to scratch it.

THE NEIGHBORS ARE NOT FOND OF ME

The neighbors are not fond of me,

I’ve little doubt of that,

For when I near their door, I see

They hide the welcome mat.

I’D NEVER DINE ON DINOSAURS

I’d never dine on dinosaurs,

They can’t be good to eat,

For all they’ve got are lots of bones,

And not a bit of meat.

THERE IS A THING

There is a thing beneath the stair

With slimy face and oily hair

That does not move or speak or sing

Or do another single thing

But sit and wait beneath the stair

With slimy face and oily hair.

SEYMOUR SNORKKE

“With chopsticks did I sip my soup,”

so stated Seymour Snorkke,

“but that was much too difficult,

so now I use a fork.”

WHEN DRACULA WENT TO THE BLOOD BANK

When Dracula went to the blood bank,

He thoroughly flustered the staff.

For rather than make a donation,

He drew out a pint and a half.

ITS FANGS WERE RED

Its fangs were red with bloody gore,

Its eyes were red with menace,

It battered down my bedroom door,

And burst across my bedroom floor,

And with a loud resounding roar

Said “ANYONE FOR TENNIS?”

WE HEARD WALLY WAIL

We heard Wally wail through the whole neighborhood,

As his mother whaled Wally as hard as she could,

She made Wally holler, she made Wally whoop,

For what he had spelled in the alphabet soup.

MY BROTHER’S HEAD SHOULD BE REPLACED

My brother’s head should be replaced,

It’s lighter than a feather,

He’s trying to use tomato past

To paste tomatoes together.

CUCKOO!

The cuckoo in our cuckoo clock

Was wedded to an octopus,

She laid a single wooden egg,

And hatched a cuckoocloctopus.

COME SEE THE THING

Come see the thing that Dad has caught-

Oh, yuck!...don’t even bother,

It is not dead as Dad had thought,

And we are minus father.

YOU NEED TO HAVE AN IRON REAR

You need to have an iron rear

To sit upon a cactus.

Or otherwise, at least a year

Of very painful practice.

THROCKMORTON THRATTE

Throckmorton Thratte has charm and class,

He’s wealthy and he’s handsome,

Small wonder that his looking glass

Is holding him for ransom.

DORA DILLER

“My stomach’s full of butterflies!”

lamented Dora Diller.

Her mother sighed, “That’s no surprise,

you at a caterpillar!”

HENRIETTA SNETTER

Henrietta Snetter knit a sweater in the night,

In a nutty, neat, and novel sort of way.

For she knit it ifrom the sheep,

That she counted in her sleep,

And she wore it when she rose to greet the day.

UNCANNY COLLEEN

Uncanny Colleen (unaccountably green)

Is munching on cabbage and squash,

While spinning around in her washing machine-

No doubt she’ll come out in the wash.